Tuesday, June 12, 2018

"STORY OF A POP COUNTRY MUSIC STAR"




STORY OF A POP COUNTRY MUSIC STAR"

 Written by Michael Ubaldini



In Hollywood California Dexter Mcgirth sat in his upstairs apartment.


Room 301 to be exact -


Grunge ruined everything he thought. "Yesterday I had groupies & a packed house - a stripper girlfriend named Sheila Sharp who did soft-core porn- I had endless amounts of Drugs, Sex &booze. Where did it all go wrong? -I WANT MY MTV!!" - He yelled at no one in particular. There he sat in his Spandex pants his girlfriend’s lip gloss & platform shoes and perm- How could this have happened? - His band all moved back to Milwaukee after their one album record deal. which left them penniless and rattled with STDs

Something had to change- he could join one of ‘Jimmy Jones Tribute to Tribute bands’  (part one of this story )-Naw - he never got a long with that fucker Jimmie anyway when they played in the band  "Dizzy Bitch' together ..Plus he Jimmie married that psyhco Ruby Viola who was a fan of folk singer Judy Diamond   who baby sat their kid.
Just then Nirvana came on the radio "Make It Stop!" he screamed!!


As we push ahead to many years later (though it don’t really matter how many years) - Dexter was packing to move back to Milwaukee when whilst packing he realized he forgot to get back his records from his ex-girlfriend Sheila Sharp, who now wore only flannel shirts open with a black bra (she was still a buxom specimen).She cut all her hair off pierced her face then joined an empowerment 'nonprofit group' (Which she donated all her money to) and decided she hated men. He must admit she still was damn sexy but that granola shit she was eating & feeding him made him ill. She moved to Portland after he willingly let her kick his ass verbally. He never struck or yelled back and she still screamed at him "Sexist Bastard!" as she rode off on the back of a motorcycle with her friend Ms. Molly Jazzman with Rolling Stones & Chicago Blues records under her arm...which left him a little puzzled about the sexist remark thing considering her listening taste... He never questioned her time spent with Ms. Molly Jazzman (as she liked to be called) -who owned the chopper& who was stacked& equipped with double D breast implants and wore a hairdo like Elvis Presley & had legs like Tina Turner to boot -but for some reason as angry about them leaving together for Portland as he was, thinking about it all made him sweat with ecstasy. -


His landlord Mr.Darins said he could empty some boxes in his closet and use them to pack  ... As he looked through the boxes he noticed his landlords’ records- All crooner stuff like Engelbert Humperdink - 'Tapestry' by Carole King (Must have belonged to his landlords’ ex-wife) a couple of 'New kids on the Block' albums & Justin Beiber (Which Was a little weird to say the least)
While thumbing through he stumbled on some albums by Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, George Jones, Gram Parsons, Web Pierce & Lefty Frizell... He emptied the boxes and played the vinyl on his landlords’ turntable  but couldn’t stand the look or sound "I hate Country music" he said to no one in particular under his breath .It almost made him as mad as  hearing Nirvana. So he put it out of his mind until he saw more records in the same stack  .He arrived at newer one by the singing group  'Little Big Town.' -He took it out put it on the turntable ...SNAP! That record & the song 'Girl Crush' SPOKE to him unlike the others. It reminded him of his girlfriend bound for Portland  ..."Maybe she still dug men after all?”...then next- Blake Shelton...Then Taylor Swift...Then Lady Antebellum...It got better & better. He yelled out loud like Steve Martin in the movie 'The Jerk'...”MOTHER...FATHER.....I"VE NEVER FELT MUSIC LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!!"-This sound & production reminded him of the musical arena rock gems he heard in the 80s with a fiddle or steel added once in a while to make it all so Country...!!!

It had it all these records did. The arena sounding guitar solos...A bad out of rhythm Rap music mixed with metal , and a type of 'Hipster look,' pre wrinkled shirts and premade ripped jeans- & oh so over polished harmonies...he was inspired!!..."I’m staring a Country Band"!- he yelled out the window a couple bewildered kids setting fire to Pok√©mon cards with their sisters destroyed Barbie’s tied to the back fender of their bicycles .

He went out and got a Johnny Cash poster for his wall.- the one with the middle finger up, and he Dexter  posed in all his Facebook pictures the same way -flipping off the camera like all the cover bands did in their FB photos. cause it made him an authentic  'REBEL' .. He even got a tattoo of Johnny. -Didn’t matter that he never listened to Cash music. He knew 'Folsom Prison Blues' from all the cover bands who grudgingly added it to their set next to ‘Brown eyed girl' 'Mustang Sally' 'Gypsy'& 'Hotel California'. He couldn’t sing nor his band mates but they didn’t have to ...They used a fabulous device called 'AUTOTUNE'-- and a 'HARMOMNIZER'... He put the band together with his ex-hairband mates. No need to learn the words to the songs ,-they could now use 'MUSIC STANDS ON STAGE' with a binder notebook - or a some type of IPAD Tablet  teleprompter  with the lyrics. This was GREAT! .You didn’t have to believe the lyrics or INTERNALIZE them anymore... what a relief!  

  Maybe he could also become an actor in the theater on the stage and read along with other Broadway performers holding scripts in their hands starring in 'Othello'. No need to memorize lines in the new art world. The options were endless!! He could sing 'Girl Crush' proudly and change it to 'Man Crush’ and no one would think anything of it when he reversed the lyrics.  Everyone would know he was straight cause he was really singing about the girl when referring to dousing himself in her boyfriend’s cologne and sleeping with him to know what he had on him which was her. After all no one had a problem with that interpretation when sang in reverse.

He then thought better about it and changed his mind after he sang it to his buddies in his band at a restaurant open mic night for seven people then decided to never sing it again after a stunned silence. Not to mention an odd character –(that’s how Dexter thought of this person)-following him around & waiting at his car in the parking lot ......"Err well maybe that’s not such a good idea to sing that one" he said to his pals
That never mattered to Dexter anyway & he did feel liberated singing it at least that one time. It taught him to understand the anatomy of a pop song hit with its easy to understand surface level lyrics along with one half yet not a whole step beneath the surface cleverness &adding contrived controversy.  "Man these pro songwriters sure knew how to do things" he said out loud to no one in particular. "They even told you so in their writers in the round nights"....'Man'.... these in house writers really can humble you. They'll even tell you that you will be humbled by them themselves even if you don't ask them"


Dexter started to write surface songs too -not beneath the surface but sort of like them appearing deep when in the shallow water...and he needed to brush up on his songwriter conversation jargon... after all real songs weren’t written from the streets and diners and bars anymore or from real life -Only in rooms with clipboards and pro tools ...He quickly learned to over use descriptions when talking about the songwriting ‘Craft’ as they the pros called it. You could even pay a bunch of money to go to a place where you 'learned how to write' from people who used to be famous. You had to get hip to using words & phrases like ‘Hooks’ (can't have too many you know) , 'Think outside of the Box’, 'You’re too close to the project to be objective' &'We need another set of ears' ... 

He also learned if you write a song even if you wrote it all yourself .-you need to at least add six other writers names plus give them publishing& writers credit ...they deserved it after all.....Adding an all-important "The" or a "Just" to a line, or asking you to go down with a note with your vocal line in the studio. The producer he should get writers credit too along with the other set of ears guy and the drummer keeping 4/4 time cause after all when he plays the drum beat without any vocals or music on the street- everyone will recognize the song and sing along! .... It had nothing to do with publishing money "And you Dexter” -they constructively critiqued- “shouldn't be so big for your britches because there’s a LOT of talent in this town & you will be humbled very quickly"
Odd ... that couldn't be manipulation?-thought Dexter-to make him doubt himself as close minded if he didn’t agree. But he found it a peculiar thing that they- these pros -somehow were not closed minded when it didn't suit them when he suggested them to try something. Plus it seemed to Dexter like most of the people inking record deals were famous people’s kids, nieces or nephews etc.
Dexter adapted quick...even when they took his name off the songs he wrote


"Don’t be so narrow minded “& "Check your ego at the door Dexter “they advised him.

Dexter knew it was all done in the name of their true love of Country music though it seemed everybody in Nashville when he visited Music Row were from Hollywood or New York ….weird.
Dexter even learned how to put down and fend off the naysayers...the so called 'Real Country " "Authentic" or “Honky Tonk" musician songwriters by responding to them when they spoke up against his new pop country sound with answers like .."Country has evolved and accepts all comers"&  "This isn't your Grand-mamas country" “It’s called progress” He could also could fend off any musician who worked his or her ass off writing and staying true to art and overcoming so much rejection then finally landing a deal only to have some In the know 'set of ears' come in and say ...."Hmmmmmm no radio play here. I don't hear a radio hit ...just sayin'...well  err.....unless.. maybe if you just...leave your lyrics with me and I'll let you know"
If worse came to worse Dexter gave these frustrated artist naysayer types  the infamous 'MUSIC SNOB'  tag.

That deflected them Hank Williams types for a while!!  Besides he knew these purist types would eat themselves  & each other by how they  claimed to out purist the next band.It was inevitable
Dexter & the band ran out and got some new boots but wouldn’t wear cowboy hats .they decided they were no 'Hat Band' or even 'Bro Country' ... They would instead as an extension of their hairband days ..not get extensions, but buy BED HEAD HAIR PRODUCT .they could take hours to get the messy I didn’t try to get ready look and kind of comb it to the side & have it hang over one eye ...almost...with the final touch of wearing eye glasses you didn’t need with big horn rims & no lenses & never revealing he once had an old part time job at Disneyland and sidelined as a music journalist for a songwriter magazine.
Dexter towed the line so much he wound up with a record deal & named his band -
"Six String Machine'


The records sold. Millions of dollars were put behind them. They guest starred on the TV show ‘Nashville’. Dexter appeared in duets with fading rock legends who were on the same label to give each other credibility and cross over both into markets... His arena hairband metal tricks even came into play - like swinging the guitar with the strap all around in a circle around his neck where it winds up back in perfect position. He flew through the sky on trapeze wire. He threw himself backward into the audience & crowd surfed. His headphone mic would go out sometimes but no worry & you could use the auto tuning live and also have a stage full of fireworks & dancers to deflect anyone from all that. Dexter and Six String Machine won Grammy after Grammy , CMA after CMA - Hell even the 'Americana' movement started watering down their sound& joined his side - all the old rock legends were going Country....He headlined Stagecoach where bands on the main stage played mostly classic rock covers as did Dexter’s-'Six String Machine' .."Better than being in that hot tent area" he thought "with those loser bands who were too good for their own good. To real for their own good. There’s no money in that"
"Who the hell do they think they are? & I sell more records then Dwight Yokam & Roger Mcguinn anyway!" said Dexter to himself.
His old girlfriend Sheila Sharp (now wearing an open western cowboy shirt with a red bra ) along with Ms. Molly Jazzman showed up back stage at Stagecoach- They & Dexter laughed and talked of old times then settled in for a an hour of boozing and depraved fornicating of which the details could be too intoxicating & offensive for some &can't be printed here.
Sheila moved back in with Dexter.

He was offered to star in a reality TV. show - & is doing great as of this writing!- 
He critiques up and  coming pop country artist hopefuls and Sheila (who grew her hair back out) & Ms. Molly Jazzman take total female empowerment control by displaying themselves as eye candy for the consumer. And we must tell you it was their own choice not any sexist man...it’s all them...  with a take no prisoner, slapjack action in high heeled cowboy boots & one Harley Davidson, pick their own company, we are nobody’s victim attitude & if you say different they know how to deal with bullies!.... (.Dexter was starting to sweat again)
Dexter gives them both as coworkers all they've ever wanted .The two woman became CEOs of the corporation -answer to no one -and weed out all indie troublemakers  . The Jazzy looking Ms. Molly Jazzman got bored so she hired a weasel of a man named Barry Simpleton to do damage control & PR for the company .She kicks him around for cheap twisted thrills....( Ms. Molly Jazzman & Barry happily married each other in a small ceremony in Lodi California.)

 Meanwhile today Dexter’s Fame is growing...
Dexter Mcgirth Pop Country music star who is 'unstoppable as can be' at this time of writing ,is said to be recording a brand new album with a rock legend from a TV talent show who we can't name here for legal reasons. I’d like to say they all lived happily ever after


But ......This wasn't enough for Dexter...  the latest rumor (though we are unsure if it’s true)...according to our sources He: Dexter Mcgirth Pop Country music star has decided to run for President of the United States! Could this be true? A successful reality star formerly in a 80s hair glam band who wore lip gloss & spandex and stood in platform shoes with an ex stripper porn star girlfriend who turned riot girl empowerment rebel in an open top with Ms. Molly Jazzman waiting in the wings on her Harley Davidson with her new husband Barry Simpleton (who changed his last name to Jazzman after they wed)-
Could Dexter Mcgirth    'Pop Country Music Reality TV Star' leave his empire & be the next leader of the free world & President of the United States?


Naw ...It could never happen.....He couldn't win .........Or could he?

copyright Michael Ubaldini  Library of congress -all rights reserved -can not be used  in any shape or form with out permission
Part 2- Of "Jimmie Jones King of the Tribute to tribute bands"  stories
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