I am writing good reader because , I have been disturbed by an ever repeating scene that keeps happening daily and it happened at a Starbucks...now I wont reveal which because there are not many Starbucks around as you know & they are far and few between and not on every corner.. extremely hard to find.. (as you know) And I fear that you may figure it out and we don't need the media following searching for details to put on MSNBC, FOX or CNN.. But I assure you that all of this ghastly asthmatic episode after a simple daily cup has gotten me extremely baffled and dare I say terrified... To add a little more clarity to an already confusing and stressful situation.. let me begin my sordid tale...
I was sitting 'minding my own business' like Hank Williams Sr. suggested. When out of nowhere they approached me ...started sitting with me uninvited...I tried to willfully be friendly but dear reader its was overwhelming ..Daily I tried not to make eye contact -but to no avail- ...the creatures kept sitting with me...arguing about the state of the world , religion,politics ,bands,movies .
I could tell they hated America but I couldn't relate or understand .Why land here then reap the benefits?
After all if I was attending a party and hated being there and spoke of how the last party I was at was better ,I would simply go back to the other party. Not stay & complain about where I was.That would be an irrefutable arrogance of the worst kind. ...but these trolls&hunchback gnomes in gym clothes & whatever else they could get their hands on made no sense .I was terrified and had to come up with a plan.I silently plotted my escape.....but to no avail, they hung around my neck like snug slipknot ,I was not about to swing in the breeze, people started offing themselves...after all ..if they didn't like the situation why tell me about it?
I tried to nod graciously , I tried to be rude but more & more of them kept coming ,they wouldn't stop, they turned up the heat,tried to get in my head but couldn't crack nor break me ,I guzzled the coffee ,I got refills, I tried to write songs, I did write songs , they still kept coming, uninvited, pressing ,hassling passers by ,keying my car ,yelling crude things to young women. I tried to switch my time to be at my coffee spot, but they were always there...at least one of them ,hovering over me like a helicopter to my utter inexplicable horror , It was driving me to madness, .."think of Kerouac, think of Bo Diddley ,think of Raquel Welch" -I told myself , just ignore...but another sat down , another insulted me, another wanted me to shack up with them , I had know idea ..nor cause, no reign of escape though through enumerable attempts failed. I drove around the block. Faked like I was leaving ..but they kept coming. They kept haunting and twisting an annoying knife into my spirit disguised as soccer moms, artists ,office workers you name it.
Baristas complied to their ever forced demands ...
Their knotty twisted hands reaching out trying to strangle me on a forlorn afternoon...I had another cup ..it was a hot coffee ..I could throw it at them when they attacked,
..my ex girlfriend would stop by but to my unbearable horror she was overtaken ..somehow now one of them & to gaze in her eyes made me sweat with terror..more kept coming. I kept pounding coffee , thinking faster ,moving faster ,rolling,running, and sweating. I drank more coffee ,I thought quick & the outer-space people sunk their tentacles into me..
Until I found and fell upon ......their Achilles heel ..
the words 'Fuck off' seemed to scare them . Blunt force was all it took.
It was as simple as that!
Pacifying them made them want to eat human flesh with their latte's .They scattered like roaches as if when you turn on a light...But I know they're out there ..one will creep in to see if I've weakened, make me a horrible experiment of their own conversion of collective unconsciousness ..
I'm not mad I tell you ,I'm not crazy or insane ....as you can see .....uh oh , forgive me, I must go- ..here comes one. I can recognize these twisted elves with a quick one eyed glance..I know no one will believe me ...unless ...wait a minute! .May I inquire...just who are you reader? -Why didn't I catch on ?
You cant trick me ..
I believe you are one of them,You cant fool me ...you think you're oh so very clever.-I scoff at your failure. You think you are tempting me with an agreeable nod of the head and ever woeful grin..trying to humor me with a mirror effect of my own paranoia .
You are one of them...Yes YOU dear reader!!
Get out Get Out!!!!
Written by Michael Ubaldini
(C) copyright 2018
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